Midnight Angels..

At the end of the day the human heart longs for company to stare at a sunset or finish a glass of chai and a couple of cigarettes.But then again such is life. She left yesterday night..and its going to be a long time before we meet again.I met her just a couple of semesters back and it was an effortless connection.We became sort of good friends, with 1000 line gtalk conversations of merely 'wot r u doin?'.I knew she would leave at the end of this sem and yet i never felt sentimental..I have ceased to feel emotions at the drop of a hat as i used to..but as she boarded the bus and it started,Adi(Adwitiya) broke down completely and i waved to Pallavi in my usual way..time froze.The driver said his prayers and stepped on the pedal, she smiled..adi broke down..i waved..and i felt the crunch of losing a connection, for 20 seconds i felt human.Adi continued sobbing, the bus was faded away into the dark highway ahead.I lit up as usual..venting it out in the smoke.

Thoughts..

"Barey barey choley jete hoy
Aar pichutaney kotoi shongshoy..
Tai phire asha oto shoja noy
Tobu phire aashche"

At every instant we are impelled to leave things, people circumstances ourselves behind and the grief and reluctance in doing so is monumental.That is why coming back..resurrection or retracing your path back to happiness is so arduous..but even then we always keep coming back.
This thought passed me by..i was thinking about ghosts and the after life..What if we are ghosts?
What if we and our life is a ghostly dwelling? What if we are the ones haunting existence?
What if death is birth?

Rajarshi says: In loving memory of my two departed friends..

Neon Light Blues.

Blue 1: I was walking with her towards Lake Town crossing. I had known her for quite a long time. She seemed a bit too happy today. She normally is a very happy person. We were taking occasional gulps from the Smirn sprite cocktail as we passed by one light after the other. She kept smiling all the way. She looked beautiful. The neon washed road had not a living thing in sight. It seemed like a wilderness, a man made wilderness which was singing me the blues of the future to come. It felt good to be two wild animals in the wilderness. The void was overwhelming. I wanted to start a conversation. It would make me feel human. I do not know what prompted me to ask her about her father. I knew about most of her family but she had never told me about her father. (Damn! I should have understood long back but… darn). She didn’t answer. I asked her again. She looked at me tenderly and looked at the sky, possibly towards the neon we were passing. She asked me whether we could sit on the overbridge. It was around eleven thirty. I asked her if she would be late… she didn’t reply. We climbed onto the overbridge and sat there. She then told me that her father passed away on the same date when she was 10.
I have no words to express what I felt. It was a sickening feeling. Something in my heart pained but I showed no reaction whatsoever. I wanted to. I wanted to say something like “Oh lord I am so sorry I am so so so sorry dear…” But I just couldn’t. I just didn’t know what to say or do. I reached out for the Smirn and took a gulp. She said,” Take your shades off, I want to see your eyes.” I gasped. Why would she ask me to do this? I would have never done it but I took them off and looked at her. She looked even more beautiful. The silence of the breezy night echoed in resonance with that uncharted void, the void of words, expressions and that eternal ache, which was so smashingly confronting us. Yet, it seemed to lurk in the shadowy distance ahead as if it didn’t want to show itself.
I didn’t know what she was expecting in my eyes. Did she expect to feel affection? Did she want to see a tear drop? Dear…tears don’t come to me. I think its some kind of a disease but I cry within myself and if it’s of any importance at all, let me tell you; yes I was crying when you asked me to take my shades off. My heart ached, not because of the death but because I had hurt you. I wanted to say sorry but people can’t talk when they cry, can they? I just kept listening to her. How she regretted certain things. Things like her father had always wanted her to learn Hindustani classical music but that she had never complied and so many other little things that went like bullets into me. I had caused her to recollect something that was cancerous to her muse. I had caused her so much pain. Had I known… it pains me even more to think that with all my skills of observation and knowledge of behavioral science I had never understood…I had failed to fathom my dear friend’s depth of emotions. I should have understood a long time back. She was forever happy… or should I say running away from grief. She had a matured take to everything around her… or was she trying to rediscover herself? I don’t know or rather I want to forget what I know. I really like you. If you ever read my blog do know that I am sorry. I am so very sorry dear.
I wish to meet you before I leave. Give me a call.
Blue 2: It was the seventh of July. I was casually sauntering into “cha bra” (as KingD’s PJ had christened it) in Oxford with a friend of mine. As we went towards the end of the place we passed a group of friends, two guys and two girls and one of the girls gasped looking at me. I didn’t let her understand that I had noticed her reaction. She looked like an acquaintance of mine. We sat at one of the tables and she kept glancing at me and then left in a few minutes. There’s no particular reason behind my writing about this except for that moment at the store. I love the smell of books. It’s just so invigorating. The smell of books, her glances and the ice tea gave me a weird feeling. It seemed as if I had a glimpse of something and that time had stopped. A glimpse of what is too intangible to ascertain. Too many images flashed in my mind. It was like a breach in the fabric of time. In a matter of minutes it felt as if I was very familiar with the entire freeze or may be I would become familiar with it. Both the thoughts past and future seemed to intersect and occur simultaneously. It gave me a strange feeling.
Blue 3: I was walking down Park Street and I think I passed by Rudrani. I don’t know, it seemed like her. But she looked way too jazzy and..umm..nice I should say. She was a simple fun loving person when I knew her. Of course with the exception of the TTIS party where she went completely insane. (HEHEHE)
In any case if it was you then it was nice to run by an old friend.
Rajarshi says: We all have certain experiences that are different and the urbanscape just changes its magnitude. That‘s all I guess.

Dwikhondito..

Me-Where r u frm?
Princess-Delhi..tumi?
Me-Originally from Cal kintu ekhon Rajasthan e..
Me-So, what kind of music do you like?
Princess-Bollywood, BSP etc..u?


Me-Western classics and rock from the 60s and 70s and anything that is melodious..
Princess-Anything that is melodious..right
Princess-Fav actors and actresses?
Me-Al Pacino, Srk, Shabhana Azmi, Kajol..U??

Flips her cell and shows me atleast a 100 pics of OSO..especially one with Deepika in Srk's arms..which brought a smile to my face...

Me-Nice!

Princess-(smiles in a very sweet way)
Me-Cal e koto din thakchish?
Princess-20 days..
Me-Wow!
Princess-45 hoyar kotha chilo kintu friends der jonyo cut short..
Princess-How long r u staying?
Me- 2 months..
Princess-(makes a wow expression)
Me-Well i dont know when i shall be back again for this long again..may be 2 years..may be never again.
Princess-Oh!(Gestures why?)
Me-(laughs in a reconciled way) That's where i'll be headed..i may be out of the country forever in another 4 years...that's why i am enjoying this conversation...
Princess-y forever?
Me-Work and all will dictate a certain part of my life..unfortunatey
Me-Wot abt u?Wot do u want to do?
Princess-Mass Com
Me-(gestures damn good)
Me- i wanted to do Mass Com a lot kintu holo na..
Princess-keno?
Me- i was a good writer..and then one day i just lost it..i used to say that there is little difference in shitting and writing..jo cheez aap ko pareshan kar raha ho use aap nikaal do..its almost like i started having a mental constipation..and gave it up..when i regained my confidence it was too late..
Princess- HaHaHa
Me-Aar bol.. how's life in Delhi? Must be fun in certain ways..
Princess- Ya..its great fun..all the mischief and guyz hitting on girls..
Me-So, r u looking out for guyz?
Princess-(sort of surprised) May be..
Me-Uh huh
Princess-My god we just spent two hours chatting like this on the cell phone..
Me- I am going to remember this flashcard conversation for a really long time..
Princess- me too

Now the concept of this flashcard conversation is rather intriguing.It was 11 in the night and the Rajdhani express was Making its way towards Kolkata..the rest of the people were asleep.Just the two of us princess and me were awake..Amar train e kono din ghoom hoy na,(that's why i seldom travel by train),so i didnt know what to do.The 2 of us were on the opposite upper berths. And i started the conversation by typing the first line of what you are reading, in my cell's msg editor and flashed it towards her..and thus ensued the conversation..

Me-It seems that u value friends a lot..
Princess-Yes..

Princess- bcoz of my friends that i have a smile on my face..



Me-(turns his cell and hands it over to her to show the wall paper...silhouette figures of a man in a tuxedo and a woman in a sprawling gown dancing on the clouds with the moon in the background)
Princess-(smiles in a very sweet way) Nice!
Me-(laughs)our conversation reminds me of a Sinatra song 'Strangers in the night'...

Princess-oh

This time when i flashed my cell she opened her eyes, she wasnt waiting for it...so i understood that i had bored her enough :)

Then we exchanged e-mail id s and she went off to sleep saying that we would talk in the morning...I couldnt sleep for a reaaly long time almost 4 am.

Rajarshi says:-
flashcard conversation ta darun chilo...i think both of us will remember it as a fleeting vignette for a really long time...
somewhere in the distant and remote airways of my mind it will linger or rather we will linger like ghosts of a lost past.One day they will talk of me and my shadows...because was one day i was there and someday may be we will be too...

have not blogged for a long time...too much work and of the net was down
so here are three posts back to back, do care to read them

His last goodbye…

Rajarshi says:- My epitaph,
wish I could hold her hand for that one last time…

How do I tell you about this secret inside of me?
In this din my voice will not reach you…
But please hold my hands like you always do,
To see you happy gives me a lot of solace.
But, this is it friend, goodbye…
Thank you, friend for being with me,
But now I have to go…

Go beyond the bridges of eternal sunshine,
My life is a little too far away,
Your love is my only vehicle,
To the land of lost muses.
But, this is it friend, goodbye…
Thank you, friend for being with me,
But now my memories wish to rest.

Rajarshi says:- something I found on BDC’s blog. Here’s my rendition to it.

If I were a beginning, I would be:- death
If I were a month, I would be: -December
If I were a day of the week, I would be :– Thursday
If I were a time of day, I would be: - midnightIf I were a planet, I would be:-mars
If I were a season, I would be:- autumn
If I were a sea animal, I would be:- a seal
If I were a direction, I would be:-Parallel
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be:-a rocking chair
If I were a sin, I would be:- silent
If I were a liquid, I would be:- lifeblood
If I were a fraud, I would be:- me
If I were a gem, I would be:- emerald
If I were a tree, I would be:- yew
If I were a tool, I would be –a screwdriver
If I were a flower/plant, I would be:- tulip
If I were a kind of weather, I would be:- hay devil in fall
If I were a musical instrument, I would be:- a grand piano
If I were an animal, I would be:- Tiger
If I were an emotion, I would be:- mirth
If I were a vegetable, I would be:- corn
If I were a sound, I would be:- the surreal Himalayan breeze
If I were an element, I would be:- earth
If I were a car, I would be:- a cadillac
If I were a song, I would be:- MAROONED
If I were a food, I would be:- Mooger daal (err..difficult to translate…it’s a kind of a lentil)
If I were a place, I would be:- KOLKATA
If I were a material, I would be:-linen
If I were a taste, I would be:- sour
If I were a scent, I would be:- CD
If I were a religion, I would be:- opium
If I were a sentence, I would be:- your future depends on your dreams…so go off to sleep
If I were a body part, I would be:-the eyes.
If I were a facial expression, I would be:- laughter
If I were a subject in college, I would be:- urban folk and poetry of the 60s and 70s
If I were a shape, I would be:- a straight line
If I were a quantity, I would be:- Litre
If I were a colour, I would be:-black
If I were a thing, I would be:- dust
If I were a landmass, I would be:- hawaii
If I were a book, I would be:- anne frank’s diary
If I were a monument, I would be:-the Eiffel tower
If I were an artist, I would be:- rembrand
tIf I were a collection of poems, I would be:- panorama
If I were a landscape, I would be:- green valley(shimla)
If I were a watch, I would be.- the clock tower of BITS Pilani
If I were God, I would be:- a stupid kid with a magnifying glass
If I were a vowel, I would be: U
If I were a consonant, I would be: N
If I were a formula, I would be:- e=mc square( u know what…its wrong!!!)
If I were a Science, I would be:-chemistryIf I were a theory, I would be:- a Freudian slip
If I were a famous person, I would be.:- the most famous tragic hero you can think of
If I were an electronic equipment, I would be:- a cell phone
If I were sport, I would be:-Chess
If I were a movie, I would be:- saviour
If I were a cartoon, I would be:- calvin
If I were an explorer, I would be:- cortez
If I were a scientist, I would be:- a complete formula for judgement day
If I were a relation, I would be:- an achiever
If I were a river, I would be:- Mandakini( upper part of ganga)
If I were intoxication, I would be:- making every soul listen to Marooned
If I were alone, I would be:- I am scared of spending time with myself
If I were a question, then I would be:- how the hell did I escape alive?
If I were a hobby, I would be:- numismatics
If I were a habit, I would be:- attending every lecture everyday
If I were in an atom, I would be:- a meson( DO NOT DARE TO MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ASKING ME WHAT IT IS!!!!! )
If I were an end, I would be:- an embryo
If I were you, I would be:- jealous

Rajarshi says: flickering glimpses, that’s all…fire is satan’s only friend, the music is in tumultuous days…

Moon washed avenues and flickering nights,
Vignettes of laughter and dizzy dancing,
The frozen chocolate Cadillac…
Marooned in the insomniac sands,
The fragrance of ivy light every hope,
Hopes for the promised jazz…
Dare to dream?

Of different Deaths…

Rajarshi says: To all those died a brutal death for the sake of…love? No, for what they wished to believe but the world is not for those who wish to believe.

His maiden did not turn sixteen that day,
The headless lover silently broods.
The tower strikes twelve,
The silhouettes of leaves play their silent game on his headless body,
As plods through the voids of the night street,
The promise of love wafts,
Reminiscent of wildwood fays.
But the tower is relentless,
It now strikes ten…

The lover is now seated,
His body oozing bloody tears,

Ha, tears…
So many were shed on the black stallion’s night,
But the stallion had a rider, who had no mercy,
His maiden is now asleep,
He has lost his head.

The lover’s tears invokes another hero,
The yew trees shade him today,
Odin’s curse could not relieve him that day,
The tower strikes eight.
He crushed the thorny rose to fill his pen,
He wrote a bloody lyric.
He crouched, he cringed, he yelled out in pain,
But none was there to answer.

Only footsteps…
The tap-tap of a victory dance,
The dance of a carnivorous damsel,
The blessed damsel all in white,
Her grinning canines unfurled tales within,
Tales of deceit and laughter…

The hero cringes further…
The clock strikes twelve.

Desert Sky...

Rajarshi says:- Yet another one through personal realisation... a bit too psychedelic i guess

The land is warm but the breeze is cool,
The dusts are not shy, so the bugs do rule,
The faces burn with ambition bright
But the eyes moisten when the west is in sight.
The din harmonises the cycles' pedals,
A few though wait ... some Romeos shed no petals.
The sands though care not waiting Romeos,
As the silhouttes bid their last adieu,
The adieu ushers the promise of spirit,
Of wild thoughts, wild Freudian slips,
A different din now wafts in the darkness,
Accentuated by vignettes of laughter and dizzy dancing,
The moon reflects the bloody rose,
The clock tower gifts me a promiscous wink,
As I pass the scores of cycles...

Cycling through wind so thick,
My eyes look up to the west sky,
Studded with glittering crystal balls
That tell of tales from the west
Every eyelid droops,
As moisture breaks the barriers of every self reliant De Marco.